Life's hard? In comparison to *what*???

a sentiment that broke my mind recently

Life is hard just feels like less and less of an excuse ever since I heard someone respond with “in comparison to what???”

This simple retort has activated me. It’s such a common thing to say, life is hard. But the implication to that is the expectation of ease. The inference that it isn’t supposed to be the way it is. The perception that others have it easier.

I’m not sure that anyone actually does have it easier in life. Sure we all could have benefitted from having something we didn’t end up with. But I’ve noticed that the people who do have those things don’t really lead lives I envy. Or it all crumbles at some point. Or they end up with some other happenstance that I would not wish to trade positions on just to have what I lack.

This came to mind because I’ve been procrastinating writing an essay to apply for the online degree program available through my employer’s benefits. I’ve been hype over the opportunity to finally complete my bachelor’s since landing this job and discovering the benefit. So why do I shut down at writing the essay? Essays are nothing to me. I literally write essays for fun.

I sat with my procrastination for a while and determined that I just think it would be too hard to juggle with my work responsibilities and parenting. Life is already difficult, why make it harder?

Well, because what is “harder?” What is more chaos than chaos? We are already here. My brain and to-do lists are the physical embodiment of dented car theory. In that, there is so much on my plate, what’s one more thing? How would I even notice a new dent in a car full of dents? In fact, I’m not sure I would know what to do with a spotless mind other than busy myself all over again.

It’s part of my fear of success. The fear of not having anything else to do or aspire towards after I achieve my goals. But that’s stupid, and I wish it didn’t take me this long to realize that I will always have another problem to solve and another thing to do. Always. Like a curse that I also somehow find comforting.

Am I still procrastinating by writing a whole new essay on my blog with the time I could have spent completing this application essay? Yes. BUT I will actually do the essay today and submit my application. This was a warm up and in a way, a pep talk. Because my life has always been overfilled with shit to do. Always. And any time that it didn’t made me itch. So cheers to another fucking thing to do! I can’t wait to complain about how tired I am when I’m secretly addicted to stress and enjoying it.