Andre 3000 is live on Youtube right now,

and somehow that reminded me that I have a blog...

Hey, friends.

As the title indicates, Andre 3000 has a live premiere going on right now on Youtube, and I recently watched a docu-type video about him and his music career and life struggles that journeyed him to his flute album. I’ve felt a deep resonance lately to 3000 and artists I consider similar. Perhaps not in content exactly, but in pivoting and growing, and letting their creativity flow through different mediums, whether their audience is accepting of their shifts or not. Donald Glover with rap, now other genres of music, comedy, television. Tyler the Creator in music and fashion. m0istCritikal on Youtube with gaming, esports, wrestling, Magic: The Gathering, and an expansion of a new channel with a bigger team and fun antics and adventures.

They inspire and motivate me as a generalist, that maybe I don’t have to neglect or forfeit my other interests just to focus and master one, or even work on one at a time. Society is built for specialists, but this rise of multi-passionate people in all their facets is really reinvigorating my drive for all of my talents and interests.

I journal. I think I’ve shared some pages before. I write in this blogging form as well. I knit and crochet, and bake, and vlog, and curate music, and craft coffee, and I never know which thing I’ll feel like doing in a day. I haven’t had the drive to blog, so I started vlogging because I still needed to get my thoughts out. And editing videos and stuff is actually pretty fun to me. I’m not sure if I’m good at it, but I don’t really care right now. If you like the things I blog about when I blog, check out my Youtube channel. It’s basically things I want to write about but either don’t care to edit, or feel like its better delivered with facial expressions and tone.

I’m not sure if I ever actually talked about this before or if it’s stuck in draft hell, but I’ve had this habit of fragmenting myself, and I think I’ve done it to its breaking point. Like, I have 9 Instagram accounts I think. I only actively use 5, but that’s still insane. And they’re not burners, they’re just for all of the different things I like to do, and it ended up this way because I got mad that when I stopped doing something for a while, people would ask for me to do it again. Like I used to near-daily record myself hand pouring my coffee in the morning to whatever music I was listening to that day. Then I moved onto other things, and when I was asked about it I just made an account for that singular purpose because I’m more than coffee, I can do whatever I want. So if you’re just here for that, go to this page for when I do that.

I guess I was just afraid to be boxed in or known for just one thing. I felt my freedom to be fluid through my talents threatened by people’s expectations. Dramatic measures as it may be, I suppose I also didn’t want my name on specific types of my content in case they got sudden attention. So knowing I wasn’t just posting into the void and people were actually watching me made me distance myself from my hobbies online and turn them each into a persona. I didn’t want to confuse people and be all over the place. So my coffee and music would be in one place consistently. My journaling pages would be there for people only wanting content of that kind. Crochet and knitting to connect with fellow fiber artists, and my regular ME page where people who knew me would be for my regular day to day posting of nothing in particular.

Well as it turns out, while I am just a girl, I’m not as basic as I was trying to own being. I don’t relate to my own self online in the way I’ve been navigating. It doesn’t help that all these algorithms and acquisitions have left these online spaces so soulless and unfun. I’ve made it even worse for myself by separating the things that make me who I am. I was trying to make myself palatable by taking the spice out? Nobody even asked me to do that. I just like not being perceived, but everything in my life sort of screams for me to be seen more. I don’t like it, but I hate fighting the pushes I feel from the universe more.

I don’t know how to be seen more, but these artists coming more to the forefront who do whatever they want when they want, end some things, come back to the things they said they were done with, move onto other stuff, and pick up new things entirely…they’re encouraging me to gather all of the me’s I’ve pushed away and just be confusingly all of them simultaneously. I don’t need to be understood, that’s not the message plaguing my thoughts. Only to stop being afraid of being seen.

Because as I do contemplate those who have inspired me recently, it’s not lost on me that they’re all men. I’m sure there are women out there doing their generalist thing, who are already large names/on the rise. I don’t think I’m any kind of profound or novel in this venture as a woman. But it is a smidge disheartening to not have anyone I can immediately think of who fits within this resonance. I don’t WANT to be the first to do things. Literally this runs so deep, if I was the first to show up to class in school, I’d leave and go get a snack. Sometimes I’d end up 10 minutes late to a class I was originally early for. I didn’t care, I just didn’t want to be first. I have no clue what that’s about and I’ve hit my limit for self-psychoanalysis today, so y’all have fun with that. But I am going to embrace the fact that this is how I am, it’s a way to be, and it’s also more importantly a way to thrive. I don’t have to force myself into a specialist mold. I’m gonna channel the creative juices in whichever way they go, and perhaps even dissolve my many social media pages in favor of posting all of it in one place. Just let the juices float me away with the current. Maybe I make a 10th and final account called @THEJUICES. Lol I’m probably not doing that, but I’m both excited and intimidated by merging everything together. Doing it, though. Going full Nike, and you heard it here first. Thanks for sticking around in all my time away. I’m gonna do it again, but I’ll be around in other ways, and you’re invited to catch my other waves too. Uhm, follow TheSpazmatazz on IG, and we’ll go from there. Ciao for now.